Self-education

I'm learning a few things about myself while I am remote from those I love.

Albeit my life is a fairly happy place, I am surrounded by a lot of virtue, greatness, and love — this was not always the case — but I realize that I have an affinity for lugubrious, solemn things. When given a choice, I opt for tragedies than comedies in all mediums from literature, film, cinema... When discussing serious things, I always want to talk about particular sad events that are happening in the world. I cry when I hear about people dying from poor work conditions. I sob profusely when I see animals being mutilated. I can't breathe when I know that a woman is raped or being sold in the sex slavery. And, it is the focal point of my thoughts everyday, the great sadnesses of the world. 

What is wrong with me? Is the glass always half empty? It's not that I cannot be optimistic, or I don't see the greener side (is there?!), but I just don't immediately think that way. My impulsion is to react very seriously and critically, analyze, dissect and deconstruct.

I've been told that I have a very Eastern European disposition — whatever that means — and I suppose it makes sense in some way in the understandings I have of and in life when comparing myself to my close friends who are slavic. When looking at the literary canon from different cultures and countries and the sentiments that are foregrounded for the readers from their literature, Slavic writers, and in turn the people, are the best at manifesting this quiet yet undisguised raw despondency that I am oh so familiar with. I know I may be biased, because I refer only to the Russian writers I have been exposed to like Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Nabokov, and compare them to plethora of English/British writers I've read or been formally trained to read during my undergrad, but I've learned that English lacks so many words for so many complicated emotions we, humans, endure. I don't think I could pick a single word in English to encompass the profound melancholy, but a permutations of synonyms for it. 

Тоска (Russian, pronounced tos-ka)

"No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its
deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish,
often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull
ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a
vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may
be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia,
love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”
-Vladimir Nabokov"

This isn't to say that I do not laugh because I am a knee-slapper, kneel-over, bellower, guffawing, person. Cynics laugh. All. The. Fucking. Time.  Of course. But, my brain is wired unconventionally. I just always want to talk about stupidly melancholic things, and then laugh about it . . . ?

(Ironically, THIS POST.)

So, I am still in Montreal letting my thoughts wander the cob-webbed crevices of my cranium at 1:40am... I'm feeling slightly better than 4 weeks ago, but this personal journey is only just beginning, because only now do I feel everything is out there. Much more to learn about the self and so many things to rectify. Perhaps this feeling is all just a cathartic move on my part and I am due for a completely all around jovial self... How's that for optimism?!

C'est la vie.

Adventures

I'm embarking on an emotional expedition, one that I've been yearning for my whole life and one that I am in dire need of. I am fortunate enough that the non-biological family I have is bestowing me both love and with this opportunity to engage myself and better myself. (Thank you, you know who you are, and I love you more than ...)

Albeit this adventure is merely two months, I hope to accomplish a few things and/or at least set the groundwork for the future of a better life for myself.

Here are some things that I want to be accountable for:

1. Learn how to deal with my anxiety.
2. More Yoga.
3. More meditation.
4. Read more books.
5. More writing/improve my writing technically.
6. Learn to ride a motorcycle.
7. Swimming lessons.
8. Rock climb.
9. Discover and learn web development/Learn more computer science and programming.
10. Get a personal trainer to push myself further -- go harder, get better.
11. More running; get to 20K.
12. Figure out what I want for myself in love.
13. How to let go of all the hang ups from my biological family.
14. Build two bikes.
15. Make plans (Like said list) and finish it, beginning to end.
16. Less meat. More greens.
17. Find my equilibrium.
18. Spend less time on frivolously on the internet. Life is too short to waste "connecting" inconsequentially.
19. Show more love, say more I love yous and be sincere, and be more honest.
20. Read more in the news, be more aware environmentally, politically, socially.
21. Learn to sew.


These are just a few of the many things that I want to achieve; I'm sure there are others but these are the freshest things on my mind. My tenacity may be overzealous but who knows, maybe I'll just do only a few of these things. And, that's okay, too. Maybe that's just apart of growing up and growing pains include learning what you can do and what you fail at.

Knowing who I am today I am going to push myself to the seemingly limitless boundaries...

So, let it start today. I'm not going to be able to do this alone.

Send me all your positive karma and love. 

L'Hiver

As a Canadian, I feel like my moods changes as much and as often as the seasons. I'm not sure if it's only me -- I always feel like my emotions are unique -- but the winter season affects me so drastically: the shift in temperatures, the dry and then damp, moist ground, and the flux in precipitation from snow, sleet, hail and even rain. How does one dress every single day? How does one manoeuvrer and cope during winter?

It's hard for me to feel genial about life when the world outside feels drab and in perpetual alteration. I struggle sometimes to get out of bed right now; I'm scared to wake up to another cold, frigid day. And on the days that there is sun, a little bit of warmth, and even though it is a break in pattern, it's simply not enough -- it's so transient. I'm not sure how people who live through fours seasons do it every year their whole lives, and how they can just go. How you can enjoy days on end with sun, warmth, and then transition into sweaters, layers, parkas...

I live for balmy, sweaty, hot weather. I live and will die for for that. I crave it so intrinsically. I don't even know how I am here right now. Sometimes, I feel like winter is my suicide. A mini death occurs inside of me. Everything looks dead to me in winter. I just can't look at the world and feel proud, brave, or positive. I am in awe how uncomfortable it is to be exposed to the elements, how I have to trudge through the snow, how I am going to get through this day.

Winter has this depressing impact on me where I feel completely existential, lost for words, lost for who I am, and I critique unrelentingly to no end. I ponder and start to question things that I normally feel so confident about. I start flipping through pictures endlessly of warmer and beautiful places. And I long. And I almost cry because I won't be there. I'm not there right now. And I need it right now. I'm slowly going crazy. Winter does not make me feel like myself. Winter makes me hate myself. Winter.

I want to know when my last Canadian winter is so I have something to look forward to because right now I am losing strength and I feel very lost.

Death

The past few weeks, and even days, have illustrated how short our life can be. Everyday we may be living our last day, breathing our last breath, kissing our last kiss, and saying our final goodbye -- all unbeknownst to us. We may succumb to death sooner than we'd like. It is so apparent in the television shows we watch and the way people die in them, and even in the social rituals that we have (wills, funerals and eulogies).

Death is inevitable part of our lives because eventually we WILL die. Naturally I am constantly and perpetually think of my ultimate demise. How will I die, will I get to say goodbye to my loved ones, what will I be leaving behind, will I accomplish all I want to achieve etc... Or, will I die slowly -- cancer, disease, torture -- or instantaneously -- car accident, gun shot, heart attack.

With new years just one week behind us, it would seem conventional to make resolution to BE [insert appropriate adjective/goal here to improve oneself]. In my case, I don't want to make drastic improvements. Really, I just want to learn how to stop, breathe, let go, and be free.

There's so much damn noise in between things; there are so many damn questions. I want to live my last minute like its my last. I want to love without pretension and let go of all animosity and hostility and anger and bitterness that I've been nurturing for so long.

I want to do things differently but I feel like it's way too easy to say this and that.

I just want to let go and be free.

Here's to hoping.

To be humbled.

A few days ago I was confronted with a glaring example of prejudice on my part and others. It's natural course of human behaviour yet I was embarrassed that I could be so cold and judgmental, and neglected to see that what you see on the surface is obviously shallow facet of an individual. Not to justify my actions or speak on behalf of others but I feel that sometimes we get so wrapped up in stereotypes and trivial superficiality that we forget reality, and have to realize that our lives can be vastly different from others. Our sense of normalcy is purely a vague absolute.

Someone walking differently, limping or in a wheelchair, or dressed differently, whether in several layers or inappropriately, there is always a reason for it, and to sweep to negative judgment is unfair. I felt so disgusted with myself after what transpired between myself and a man.

He was an older gentleman. He walked differently and dressed differently, and because of his gait he immediately provoked suspicion among staff members. I was rushed upstairs during my break; I volunteered myself to go and monitor him because I felt the urgency to make sure he wasn't shop lifting, almost a chance to be heroic.

I approached the man, and watched him attentively and after a few minutes he gave me two shoes he wanted to try on. I went downstairs, muttering to myself that I knew he wouldn't buy the shoes. I began to fit him in the shoes, giving him few options of sizes. Naturally, while interacting, we started to talk as you do to pass time and understand the person's wants (if they have any). Instantly, I could feel his calm and his gentleness and his affability. There was nothing hostile or malicious from him being in the store. I felt like such a disgusting human being to be so obstinate with my opinion on someone who I didn't even know.

He talked to me about his brother and his farm and all the baby animals on the farm (I love baby animals!!!), and he talked to me about his injury to his back, which was the reason for his limp. He said he wanted to buy his brother a pair of shoes too. You know how you can just tell that someone is a good person, like how dogs smell that something is awry, another sense. Well, he was a very loving person. I could just tell.

After some time of chatting, fitting, and getting to know him, he decided to buy some boots. I have to note that the shoes he decided to purchase are made by a company known for their eccentric designs generally priced over $400, and to see this ordinary man buy these shoes is kind of amazing.

He was so incredibly gracious for my help that I was humbled immensely.

I have to remind myself that kindness is manifested in people that transcends the surface and shallow.

Change

I believe that most people want to change. I genuinely believe that.

Maybe not all the time, but at least a fleeting thought of wanting to alter yourself whether physical or emotional crosses our minds because we are self-conscious individuals. I think it is in our nature to always want to change -- I believe human nature dictates it since it is a natural part of life.  

The change I speak of is the one that is less organic and more instantaneous (respectively) e.g wanting to lose weight, sobering up, or trying to be a happier, and to be less judgmental of a person.  

But I believe us wanting to change, no matter how badly we want to, is conducive to how people perceive us. We are able to change as much as the people allow us to. (Does that make sense? This sounds like gibberish.)

What I mean to say is, for example, I cannot be something different because my friends won't see me in any other light than what I have always been to them. I will always remain cynical Wendy, and if I one day decide to turn over a new leaf, I get heckled for being uncharacteristic and thus not taken seriously. Almost like I made a joke. Saying something out of the ordinary is seriously wrong. (Don't worry, I'm not abandoning that cynical aspect of myself.) 

I mean: There are parts of who I am that I am ashamed of. Sometimes I find that I get way too haughty and get caught in the moment of passion, and only after the words that I say, when it is too late, do I regret how utterly hyperbolic I was. I am a dramatic person and people take me WAY too seriously. Only after the words roll off my tongue do I feel complete embarrassment and realize it's too late -- the damage is done. Maybe I try to hard to be something I'm not.

I have so much growing up to do.

I have personal flaws that I am trying to reconcile but I feel like I can't change because the people around me don't see me or can see me that way. People confuse my pseudo conviction behind my opinions as genuine... When really I am just an intense person that says really offense and sweeping things perhaps for some sort of effect.

But this is the least of what I want to change among the many things I want to change. The underlying problem is I don't know how to stop myself from speaking without thinking. I just barf words out and it's irritating because it always bites me in the ass. Or I do things without thinking about the repercussions and it just fucks up something intrinsically -- whatever that means -- to my life.

The actual reason I am thinking about change: I did something (more like a million things) months ago, that I entirely regret because it's ruined an aspect of my life that I am not proud of. And despite how much I want to change that element of myself, beg for forgiveness, I don't think that person is every going to see me differently. I am staunchly willing to shift that part of myself, but can the other see beyond it all?

How can we change if the people around us don't allow us to?

(I wrote this while sitting in a car...)

I had a thought tonight. What if I were diagnosed with a terminal illness today and all the dreams and aspirations I've ever had were just that, only dreams and aspirations.

Everything I've ever wanted to do were never going to come true: sail a boat, learn how to ride a motorcycle, sky dive, learn how to speak German fluently, go to Thailand, ride an Elephant, own property, travel the world, eat all the foreign foods I've never eaten before, learn how to swim, finish a triathlon, make my own shoes, (maybe) have a child, become something great, have a career, BE SOMETHING. 

Maybe it's negative thinking to think this way but this has been a reality for some people. Someone today and yesterday and the future has been told that he/she is going to die sooner than later, and everything she/he wanted to accomplish was never going to come true. What the hell do you do?!

And, I realize that time is so fucking precious and valuable, and I feel like I am not living my life to the fullest. Carpe diem. I'm not being selfish enough with my time.

But then again, I don't know why, I feel so nihilistic right, too. Cuplo disosolvi. All I want to feel is death or to never have existed because I wouldn't be left disappointed. Ugh. Isn't that fucking sad and dramatic?

I should note that I feel so fucking manic right now…

I'll see how I feel tomorrow.