(I wrote this while sitting in a car...)

I had a thought tonight. What if I were diagnosed with a terminal illness today and all the dreams and aspirations I've ever had were just that, only dreams and aspirations.

Everything I've ever wanted to do were never going to come true: sail a boat, learn how to ride a motorcycle, sky dive, learn how to speak German fluently, go to Thailand, ride an Elephant, own property, travel the world, eat all the foreign foods I've never eaten before, learn how to swim, finish a triathlon, make my own shoes, (maybe) have a child, become something great, have a career, BE SOMETHING. 

Maybe it's negative thinking to think this way but this has been a reality for some people. Someone today and yesterday and the future has been told that he/she is going to die sooner than later, and everything she/he wanted to accomplish was never going to come true. What the hell do you do?!

And, I realize that time is so fucking precious and valuable, and I feel like I am not living my life to the fullest. Carpe diem. I'm not being selfish enough with my time.

But then again, I don't know why, I feel so nihilistic right, too. Cuplo disosolvi. All I want to feel is death or to never have existed because I wouldn't be left disappointed. Ugh. Isn't that fucking sad and dramatic?

I should note that I feel so fucking manic right now…

I'll see how I feel tomorrow.