Change

I believe that most people want to change. I genuinely believe that.

Maybe not all the time, but at least a fleeting thought of wanting to alter yourself whether physical or emotional crosses our minds because we are self-conscious individuals. I think it is in our nature to always want to change -- I believe human nature dictates it since it is a natural part of life.  

The change I speak of is the one that is less organic and more instantaneous (respectively) e.g wanting to lose weight, sobering up, or trying to be a happier, and to be less judgmental of a person.  

But I believe us wanting to change, no matter how badly we want to, is conducive to how people perceive us. We are able to change as much as the people allow us to. (Does that make sense? This sounds like gibberish.)

What I mean to say is, for example, I cannot be something different because my friends won't see me in any other light than what I have always been to them. I will always remain cynical Wendy, and if I one day decide to turn over a new leaf, I get heckled for being uncharacteristic and thus not taken seriously. Almost like I made a joke. Saying something out of the ordinary is seriously wrong. (Don't worry, I'm not abandoning that cynical aspect of myself.) 

I mean: There are parts of who I am that I am ashamed of. Sometimes I find that I get way too haughty and get caught in the moment of passion, and only after the words that I say, when it is too late, do I regret how utterly hyperbolic I was. I am a dramatic person and people take me WAY too seriously. Only after the words roll off my tongue do I feel complete embarrassment and realize it's too late -- the damage is done. Maybe I try to hard to be something I'm not.

I have so much growing up to do.

I have personal flaws that I am trying to reconcile but I feel like I can't change because the people around me don't see me or can see me that way. People confuse my pseudo conviction behind my opinions as genuine... When really I am just an intense person that says really offense and sweeping things perhaps for some sort of effect.

But this is the least of what I want to change among the many things I want to change. The underlying problem is I don't know how to stop myself from speaking without thinking. I just barf words out and it's irritating because it always bites me in the ass. Or I do things without thinking about the repercussions and it just fucks up something intrinsically -- whatever that means -- to my life.

The actual reason I am thinking about change: I did something (more like a million things) months ago, that I entirely regret because it's ruined an aspect of my life that I am not proud of. And despite how much I want to change that element of myself, beg for forgiveness, I don't think that person is every going to see me differently. I am staunchly willing to shift that part of myself, but can the other see beyond it all?

How can we change if the people around us don't allow us to?